Saturday, May 17, 2014

Pretending to not seek enlightenment

Warning: this is written partially in the plural first person. You might want to read "...admitting I'm a multitude" first. All Schizophrenics proceed as you are already farther down the path and ready for the plural first person.

Alex Proimos
I've come to believe through many conversations with myselves that being unsatisfied with the collective selves I am now, and wanting greater enlightenment, leaves us caught in a net of our own designs. A few of us are sure, I'm not the first to be hauled in by this net but it is my first time.

Seeking enlightenment may just be our first flaw. "Being satisfied" and "wanting more" remain locked in battle with cannons as close as the now and as far as the then. So what am I to do? Not want to become a better version of myselves? That is frankly unacceptable, except maybe to the me's that are wounded who have already given up but I will not leave them behind. We will leave no one behind. There is no acceptable level of lose.

I, some of us but not all of us, have decided to "pretend to not seek enlightenment" while doing just that. This will have to be a covert operation, most will have to be left believing we are all satisfied. And this is good and right. A few of us will have to scout ahead, looking for enlightenment, while the rest of us stay here unaware of the others and their "wanting actions", but satisfied. It's hard because even those that will likely have to stay are not even convinced they are satisfied. We likely will have to plant an infiltrator amongst the would-be satisfied to make sure they remain so. This is the most dangerous and important role of the entire operation.

She, the infiltrator, must hope internally for success of enlightenment but outwardly appear, nay, preach the virtue of being satisfied, of being present. She will be tempted. She will be alone. And it is her ability to play her part that keystones the whole bridge from here to there. Stay strong and fake it until we make it. Those of the me that go ahead, wish her multi-tiered success; in believing in the greater search for enlightenment, remain inwardly unsatisfied and outwardly the leader of the Be Here Now kind of satisfaction. Only a woman. Only a strong woman.
Terry Chay

Luckily, I have a penny.

Happiness is not a right, nor even a privilege.  It serves no social or economic class.  It is merely a state of mind.  Often fleeting.  Just because you were happy yesterday there is no guarantee you will be happy today or ever again for that matter.  Depression can grab you and its grip can be firm.  It's easy to continually ride in the rut we made days prior.  It takes conscious effort and strength to pull yourself from the den you have made.  Luckily, I have a penny.

Happiness is a choice.  A choice you must keep actively choosing. First you must want to be happy.  Right, who doesn't want to be happy?  Well, happiness like it's cousin Love is scary.  Like the first descent of a roller coaster.  Scary but Thrilling!  Happiness like Depression is addictive.  For those that have lived in depression for so long anything else, even happiness, is unknown and therefore scary.  Breaking through to the other side can be difficult.  Like all addictions, the second step is choosing to change.  The first being, admittance.  Luckily, I have a penny.

I have decided to be happy, I must also continue in every moment, again decide to be happy.  This is the hurdle that so many flub.  They want to change, they even chose to change but it is the requirement that they must keep choosing that wears them down and out.  So, I have deployed a physical queue to remind me to actively keep pursuing happiness.  Luckily, I have a penny (in my shoe).  And with every step, I am reminded to keep rolling down hill.

If you don't have a penny a small paperclip or pebble will do but don't make yourself miserable with too big of a reminder.